How to Start a Religion

by Bill Kinnersley

Introduction

Religions serve a useful purpose. Do you have one? If not, rather than trying to choose from the numerous ones that exist already, why not start your own. It's easier than you might imagine! This handy guide will tell you what you need to know. It's been done many times before successfully by folks with a minimum of experience. Doesn't require any particular skill and doesn't cost a lot. Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking – and I can reassure you up front on that point. If you go about it the right way you don't have to become a martyr.

Your Personal Image

Starting a religion is one enterprise where the little person has a definite advantage. Let's be realistic – no one is going to want to follow a religion founded by Donald Trump. Historically, in fact, some of the most popular and successful religions have been founded by complete nobodies. It is entirely in your favor to have grown up uneducated, in a poor family, struggling to make a living. And if your father is dead, absent, or unknown, so much the better.

One thing you do need to pay careful attention to is your appearance. You should strive to look the part of a savior. Sit yourself in front of a mirror and practice looking wild-eyed. Leave your hair uncombed and grow a beard. “Reverend Jim” in the TV program Taxi is a good image to model. While you may regard this as unnecessary, and perhaps slight overkill, the undeniable fact is that clean-shaven well-groomed saviors are in the minority. Play it safe – go with the odds.

Select a distinctive manner of dress, something that will make you and your followers stand out in a crowd. Sandals, although they may seem like an automatic choice, will be inconvenient in the wintertime. Perhaps you should wear a large knotted rope for a belt, or some kind of headband. Saffron-colored robes make the Hare Krishnas recognizable, and you might do well to choose an easily identifiable color scheme. Experiment with various color combinations using a box of Crayolas. For your own person, a symbol of power will be useful – a ring, perhaps, or a leather amulet towards which prayers may be directed. Or a short wooden staff, to be raised above your head on appropriate occasions.

And devote ample attention to vocal training. By this I do not mean to suggest that founding a religion requires musical ability. Not at all. Singing is an area for your followers to indulge themselves, and you can just mouth it. But you will, on many occasions, be required to lift the spirits of a large audience, and you can only do this effectively with an imposing voice.

Several distinct intonations will be necessary. You should practice them until they can be done in a convincing manner. At the minimum you will need: (a) a deep rumbling voice that seems to come from the very bowels of the Earth, (b) a soothing parental tone for individual counseling, and (c) for seances, a faint ethereal sound, high-pitched and far away. Voice (a) also proves useful when calling Bingo.

Learn to rant. Let yourself be angry! If imagining sin doesn’t make you angry enough, imagine those sinners cutting you off in traffic. Far more converts are won over by volume and emphatic gestures than by detailed logic. If you come across like Al Gore, only the Druids, who worship trees, will listen.

Getting Started

Set your sights small at first – found a cult. It may even be necessary to found two or three cults. Keep at it until you get it right. Certain equipment is deemed essential: candles, beads, tambourines and drums. Collection cups, of course, and poster paint.

And you will need followers. Accumulating followers one by one takes time, so I would recommend that you start with an existing group. Find a circle of about a dozen friends who get together periodically and sit around wondering what to talk about. Become a member, and after a month or so gaining their confidence, reveal the mystical experience you've had. You can't begin to explain it, but one night you were overcome by a bright aura, a voice, and a sense of overwhelming joy. And at the conclusion of the episode, the voice promised to return. Well, you're reluctant to talk about it, of course. But perhaps some of them would like to join you next time?

Ok, once they are convinced of your spiritual connections, you'll need to come up with a message.

The Message

Don't make that common mistake which is the mark of a beginner – your message should not sound prepared. You want it to come across as spontaneous rather than memorized, and so it should be pretty vague at first. Flesh it out gradually, revealing more details as you gauge your group's reaction. Times have changed, you know, and people nowadays are more sophisticated than they once were. Messages that once were high in popularity now frequently fall flat.

Extraterrestrials, for example. They used to go over well, but thanks to overexposure by the tabloids and The Learning Channel they now have less of an impact. If you do bring ET's into the picture, it’ll have a better chance if they come from rather far away, such as the next galaxy. But another dimension or a parallel universe is preferable, particularly if that's where they still are, and where they talk to you from.

An ancient god is acceptable, provided you can identify a sufficiently obscure one who hasn’t been used already. A divine being who's been lurking in the background, so to speak, for thousands of years. Biding his time, waiting for someone to come along who was worth talking to. Yourself, of course. Other things being equal, opt for one whose name is relatively short and easy to pronounce. Place a foot treadle under the altar for creating sound effects. “Oh, great (whoever)… make yourself known to us!” (rumble)

Cosmic Secrets

Your followers will be expecting cosmic insight, so give it to them. But nothing heavy, mind you, and in very small doses. In this regard, Rosicrucian training literature should be studied, as it provides an excellent illustration of the technique of metaphysical spoonfeeding. One small insight per lesson is enough. Most of the lesson should be devoted to portraying the benefit of future lessons, and the fulfillment to be gained by staying the course. Create the illusion of a gradual approach to enlightenment without ever actually getting closer. The lessons should give your followers the feeling they are ascending a staircase to heaven, without noticing it’s a treadmill.

Symbolism is important. Pick an everyday object or geometrical shape to symbolize the cosmic insight. Something that can be conveniently carried in pocket or purse, or hung from a key chain. It has been revealed to you that our lives are guided by the Sacred Hexagon! (But – six guiding principles is a lot. So if you can't think of that many, better to go with a triangle or square.)

A Ritual

Cosmic insight only goes so far. What really holds people’s attention and makes them want to keep coming back is a good, solid ritual. A ritual helps fill time at meetings between the songs and sermons, and becomes essential for maintaining audience attention level as the size of your following grows. Now rituals vary greatly, and this is where you have an opportunity to impart to your religion a distinctive flavor. Do you want the ritual experience to be (a) electrifying, where you perform with snakes and fire, (b) warm and fuzzy, where everybody hugs the person next to him, or (c) awe-inspiring, where the lights dim, and objects move of their own accord. Or you may prefer simply (d), nourishment, where people go home well-fed.

In addition to being enjoyable, the ritual must carry meaning. If, for example, your sacred meal consists of peanut butter and crackers, dwell on the way it sticks to the roof of your mouth, and the mystical significance thereof. It is a common situation, experienced by all, but exactly how does it happen, and why? Imply that peanut butter will not so stick, once one has attained a state of grace. And those little holes in the crackers? Only those properly initiated in the Way can comprehend why they are really there.

Now let me provide you with some reassurance. If at some point your religion starts to sound silly, don't worry. It’s supposed to! If you feel a giggle coming on, do what the pros do – take a deep breath, spread your hands, and gaze solemnly upward at the ceiling until the impulse passes. Remember that other religions are just as silly. It is simply amazing what people can be led to believe. Silliness is a vitally important aspect of religion, since acceptance of it can be used to gauge your followers' dedication. And your followers realize this, and will actually compete among themselves to see who is best at believing the silliest.

Gaining Maturity

What happens to your cult next? Is it going to exist for only a short time and die out, or is it going to survive and grow into a stable entity. Unfortunately the outcome is difficult to predict, and a degree of luck seems to be involved. From what we have seen, the following ingredients will contribute to success in having your cult evolve into a mature religion.

1. A second in command is a valuable asset for any aspiring messiah, and a lot can depend on making a wise choice. Focus on one of your followers who shows exceptional interest and ability. Take him aside, and foster his allegiance by letting him in on things unrevealed to all the others. He will be the role model. Your followers cannot realistically aspire to become like you, since you’re so far above them, but they can aspire to become like him. And your second can build your reputation in ways that you cannot. Although your actions imply that you're a god, simple modesty demands you can’t go around saying that. Your second does this for you.

2. Your religion must fulfill a need. Your followers must be dissatisfied about something, and turn to you to provide them with an answer. You can't eliminate their problems, but you can make the problems easier to accept. "How, Father, can there be a God who cares about us, if He permits the existence of 7-10 splits?" "My son, know this. Each split you leave in this life represents a strike you will roll in the Kingdom of Heaven."

3. And lastly, the mysteries you reveal must remain mysterious, even after you have "explained" them. Nothing thrives quite like a religion that has the ring of truth, but which no one understands. Your pronouncements should resemble the abstract painting that draws attention even though it may be hanging upside down. People will spend years repeating and interpreting your words, claiming to have discovered what you meant. Disagreements will grow into disputes, and with any luck, sects will form. Sectarian strife is the lifeblood that makes a religion strong.

Follow these simple guidelines and your religion stands a great chance of success. God willing!